Page 8 - Holy Humor from children

A class of sixth-graders were asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Here is what one boy wrote:

The Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.   The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

 Then God made the world.

 He split the Adam and made Eve.

 Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden (I'm not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars).

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah,

who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.   He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. 

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

 Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.   These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them HisTop Ten Commandments.   These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.   Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. 

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.   He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.   My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.   One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.   There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New Testament.

He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.   (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'') 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.   Jesus also had twelve opossums.   The worst one was Judas Asparagus.   Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. 

Jesus was a great man.   He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.   But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.   Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.   He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.   He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.   His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Logic from  an uncluttered Mind

A  little   girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was  physically impossible for a whale to swallow a 
human because even though  it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little  girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated,  the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was  physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I  will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A  Kindergarten  teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she  got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the  drawing was. 
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher  paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 
Without  missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 
'They  will in a minute.'

A   Sunday  school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six  year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father  and thy Mother, 
she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
From the back, one little boy  (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not  kill.'

One  day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
on her brunette  head.   She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
'Why  are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every  time that you do something wrong and make 
me cry or unhappy, one of my  hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation  for a while and then said, 
'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are  white?'

The  children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  'Just think  how nice it will be to  look at it when you are all grown up and  say,
'There's  Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael.   He's  a  doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,  'And there's the teacher.  She's dead.'

A  teacher was  giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the  face.'      'Yes,' the class said. 

'Then why is  it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood  doesn't run into my feet?'         A little fellow  shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The  children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school  for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.   The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
'Take only ONE.  God  is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end  of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had  written a note,     'Take all you want.  God is watching the apples....'

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