Here is what one boy wrote:
The Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed
because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
|Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating
one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden (I'm not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars).
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel.
|Pretty soon all of the early people
died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah,
|Noah built a large boat and put
his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people
to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them HisTop Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father
and thy mother.
|One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the
battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
Jesus is the star of The New Testament.
He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats
and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
|Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.|
A little girl was talking to her
teacher about whales.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you
do something wrong and make
The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while and then said,
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher. She's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
|The children were lined up in the cafeteria
of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the
table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
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